Consistently Inconsistent

Every time we are inconsistent in one thing, we are consistent in its contrast.

I was having a nice lunch with an old friend of mine this week and we were reminiscing about our children and how quickly they seemed to have grown. She is a mother to 3 kids and her oldest is almost finishing high school. As she spoke about her relationship with her eldest son, she said “consistency is not something I’m very good at. He is now approaching his late teens and she believes that they would have a better relationship ‘if only’ she consistently showed up during his emotional struggles and assisted him with his emotions. Maybe he would trust her more and maybe even be more motivated in his life.

Photo by Victor from Pexels

Now, it’s definitely important to say that she is a wonderful person and a devoted mother. She seems to have a fantastic relationship with all of her children, who are kind and happy. As she zoned in on her relationship with her eldest, she recounted examples of her inconsistent behaviour with him in managing his emotions. She referenced difficult times where she struggled to manage herself at these times. She couldn’t always hold a space for him and she feels like she has let him down.

I am sure we can all see ourselves in her. I can recall numerous times when I was unable to hold space for my children also. However, she seemed to be on a mission to try and turn things around but she was going around in circles with examples of her wrongdoings. However, underneath all of her stories of inconsistent behaviours, I could hear the consistent behaviour she was exhibiting with him too. Every time her son had an emotional outburst or struggle, she consistently walked away. Sometimes straight away, sometimes in the heat of the moment and many times as soon as she saw the look of anger or sadness on his face. Walking away was not only a physical act, she emotionally withdrew her connection and support from him every time he displayed a lack of emotional control.

This was not the message she wanted to send her son; she didn’t want him to believe that she will not be there for him when he is struggling. However, this was what she had subconsciously communicated to him, and taught him, consistently. In hindsight, this consistent behaviour pattern is clear, but at the time, she was completely unaware. She would never intentionally walk away or withdraw from her son, not when she is such an involved mother who dotes on him and proudly cheers him on from the sidelines whenever she can. But now with this newfound clarity, she can start to repair and rebuild the relationship into a more trusting and positive connection.

Our successes in our lives, from the seemingly simple to the more elaborate successes, can all be attributed to what we do consistently. Noticing our inconsistencies in behaviour and thinking, can give us the insights needed to explore the opposing behaviour and thinking too. Figuring this out can offer us great clarity to change things for the better.

My friend’s generous story inspired me to think about my own life and my own inconsistencies. How am I being inconsistent in my relationships with my children, and in doing so, what consistent message am I sending to them? What about my other relationships and the other areas of my life? There is much to explore to gain some clarity and traction.

As always, it’s best to start with your relationship with you first and foremost. Without this awareness, nothing else can be shifted. I will leave you with some questions for deep introspection.

Daily Reflections

Think about the main areas of your life -

• family

• relationship

• career

• health

• friendships/social

• spiritual and

• hobbies/creativity.

Now focus on one area at a time and then explore these questions for each:

1. What am I happy with in this life area?

2. What am I wanting to improve in this life area?

3. What thoughts am I consistently entertaining in this life area?

4. What inconsistencies am I annoyed by in this life area?

5. What behaviours am I consistently resorting to in this area of my life to keep myself motivated?

6. What behaviours am I consistently resorting to in this area of my life to keep myself distracted?

7. How am I consistently inconsistent within this life area?