Building Quality Relationships - Part 1
You’re a trustworthy person. You pride yourself on this quality! Your relationships are filled with trust also. Trust is not an issue in your life. But then, you notice something like the following:
Your child says he loves the school lunches you make for him, but you find them at the bottom of his school bag at the end of every day;
Your partner says ‘everything is fine’ but it feels like he or she is trying to avoid you;
Your friend seems to call lately only when there is gossip to share about someone else;
Your social media comments are attracting criticism rather than praise.
You wonder, what has happened to the quality of my relationships? Where have things gone wrong?
The foundation of all relationships is trust. Trust is generally described as being able to rely on someone else with our secrets, our efforts and most importantly, with our vulnerabilities. This is true to a certain level, but it does not capture the whole picture. Trust is made up of a framework of steps, which when clarified and reflected upon, can help us transform all the relationships we have in our lives.
Many would claim the quality of a relationship is based on the level of trust they have with the other person. However, what many have not considered is that the quality of a relationship is how we connect through trust with the other. That is to say, trust isn’t the unbreakable entity that unites two people in a relationship, trust is the mode of connection that is chosen again and again for a quality relationship. It takes constant calibration and communication to keep it of a high quality. So when the people in your life start to connect with you through lies and low level connections, it’s time to reflect on the quality of the trust.
Dr. Gottman states in one of his powerful books, that trust is made and broken in small moments, through the seemingly meaningless daily interactions we have with another. The decisions we make in connecting or disconnecting in these interactions determines the level of trust or distrust we create with one another. Dr. Gottman teaches that only two factors determine the quality of any relationship; trust and betrayal. Betrayal is not only the big indiscretions you imagine when it comes to a relationship, betrayal includes the mighty smaller ones such as lying, not being transparent and choosing to disconnect when the other is seemingly vulnerable.
“To choose not to connect when the opportunity is there,
is a moment of betrayal”
However, we cannot work on our connections with others until we are clear with the connection we have with ourselves. The framework of trust applies implicitly to your relationship with you, first and foremost.
One of the core steps of the trust framework is Integrity. Let’s explore what that means.
Integrity is defined as following through on what you say you will do. Integrity is to make commitments to ourselves and to see them through, and to not break them in the heat of the moment or for the sake of something easier. Integrity is about practising what we preach. When we waiver on our integrity, we let ourselves down. This will show in the results in our lives and it will filter through to the quality of the relationships we have. How can someone build a trusting relationship with you when you can’t seem to trust yourself?
I challenge you to think about the following questions around integrity in the coming week. Become aware of how you treat yourself and how you uphold your commitments to yourself. Only then can you make necessary shifts in the relationships around you.
How was I kind to myself today?
How did I keep my promises to myself today?
How did I ensure I did the right thing instead of the easy thing, today?
How did I uphold my values today?
How did I speak to myself with gentleness today?
How did I behave in my social environments (including online activity) today?
What is one thing I avoided today, that disappointed me?
What is one mistake I made today that I have not corrected?
When I think about integrity, what are the 3 words that come to my mind?
Join in again next week as we explore the next step in the trust framework.
Found out something you want to share? Go ahead - send me a private message or add to the comments below. Happy exploring!